hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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