I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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