The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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