She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
