What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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