the condom got lost in my hair
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
