1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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