the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
