she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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