I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
