i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
