She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
