she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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