we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
