if you like me you must not know who I am
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He passed out mid-signature
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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