I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
