my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
