Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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