I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
