Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
