So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
