Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
