So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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