i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
