i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
