My sheets look like a crime scene.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
