My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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