I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
