so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Everything about him screamed your future.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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