Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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