I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
