I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I wish you could order shots online.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
There are leaves in my underwear?
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