Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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