Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize
