i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
