i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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