Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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