I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
