i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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