Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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