I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
