My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize