Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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