FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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