saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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