GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think I just shit out all my problems.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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