You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
