she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
