hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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