im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
