For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
